19.6.07
Baby fetched me from ah ma's hse ytd after he went to elson's granny's funeral. This are all the sweet little things that he does which make me really happy=).. And im so glad everything is fine now.. Tml is our 2 mths tgt.. yeah=)=).. ok,i noe im retarded.. its jus 2 mths.. haha.. Wonder wat is he up to tml.. Samantha Tok said "y u alw write bot ur bf n nv write bot us.." so small tok, here is urs!!!!Sammy will be having a dog soon.. Its silky terrier mix maltese..I got no idea how it looks lyk, bt i guess sld b quite cute ba.. haha..will b going to serangoon later with her to get the dog's things.. She's a gan chiong spider man..!!!Well, angel n sam quarrelled..Again.. I agree that yes, ppl do change.But hello, this is too much. In the first place, who was the one who said "eee, he so ugly, look lyk shit ".. and end up with him. Im glad for u.. that u found a bf, bt please, u noe wat kinda person he is.. If u choose to b with him, yes.. we will give u our blessings.. u r right,u will nv noe wat will happen.so in the first place, DUN CRITICISE.. n i really cant stand the way how u condemn other people.Like eee, i realli dun lyk ben,elson they all..dun lyk to go out with them..Den DONT.. n dun say u dun lyk them, n keep writing testii here n ther. its sort of lyk so hypocrite..haha.. in the first place, why do u have to like them?.. some comments are better left hidden.. not voice them out.. even if u do voice them out, once is enough.. dun haf to keep repeat n repeeat.. Pipi is right.U are now nt showing any respect for anyone.. U duno wat u look lyk now.. Hmm, i sld say.. lyk wen we are 14 years old.. real disgrace.. I noe all this seems lyk im a f**ker.. bt im really so lazy n reached the limit of showing u face, tolerating n such.. We have been doing so for so long.. n its so tiring... Its lyk.. fuck, u can get out now... So now, u can lead ur own life.. oh, n rmb who said "i dun lyk samantha koh".. N look who's with her now?.. Stop it angel, really stop it.. Dont make everyone see u as someone so yucky.. Yes, people do change. Buit dont change to the extend of losing ur frens.Dont change to the extend of people seeing u and disliking u.. Bcos, once the image is there.. Its there.. Its gona b difficult to break that image in people's heart..
7:53 PM
13.6.07
I'v finally found a job..haha.. Will be working in the airport after the second round of interview..=).. Met baby dwstsairs ytd.Not he wana meet me,is i wana meet him.And i was thinking, if i didnt say i wana meet him , when will he meet me?..Wanted to just settle evrything once n for all. But ytd he told me alot of his personal problems. And that he didnt wana meet me is bcos he doesnt want me to get worried..Im glad to hear that, but im beginning to wonder if this is jus an excuse.I'm really tired.Im really tired of putting in efforts n not getting anything in return. Im tired of waiting for ur msgs, tired of waiting for ur calls, tired of waiting for u to say that u wana meet me. Tired of having this uncertain feeling.. Tired of quarrels.. I dont know wat else i can do. I take it that u r moody, tat u got alot of personal problems to face. But hello, im not ur damn fucking rubbish chute.. Everyone has a limit to tolerence. N i believe mine is reaching the max soon.If u dunwan me to bother bot ur life, so be it. I'll do just that.. U dont see any problems in u. Bcos u simply take things for granted. Wats the big fuck about quarrelling?.. Do u noe that, everytime im about to explode, i ren. Bcos i rmb u told me b4 that u hate quarrels. And if 2 ppl together are always quarrelling, den theres no point continuing. Bcos of this, i try my best to suppress my anger n unhappiness.. but when i come to think of it, which couple dont quarrel? If there's no quarrels, something is definitly wrong.I'm not like a weakling anymore..Noone needs anyone to survive. This, i see it very clearly..Im the one putting all the effort.Y i wana go n pray?.. Its for u.. I hope that after praying, things will get better.But wat did u say?.. " Im not free " .. Ha, thanks.. Whenever i say serious things, u will either not reply, say u r busy, tired or slping..Have u ever spare a thought for me anot? This will only tell me how serious u are towards me n the relationship. Imagine u telling me serious things about our relationship, that u r unhappy and such.. i nv reply and simply tell u.. " Sorry, i fall asleep".. If i were to tell ppl this, how many of them will say, this is ridiculous.
U no longer appear at my doorstep just to see me n hug me.No longer tell me all those sweet yet serious things u told me when we used to go to the beach. No longer bring me out for coffee at night, or even to the beach. No longer come up to my house just to pei me. No longer say that " i miss u alot dear, wana meet?".. What the fuck is wrong?What the fuck is going on?.. Are u the one changing?.. Or am i asking for too much. I dont have to go to nice n expensive places.. I just want to be treated like last time.. NO TIME NO TIME NO TIME..you'v got almost all the time in the world.So much for saying so many craps in the past..LIESPeople aound me envy me for having such a good boyfren.But am i really happy?.. Sorry, i dont think so. Mayb last time, but nw, not even the slightest bit. And all i'v been doing, i dont see anything in return..U'v got ur problems,iv got mine too.Im willing to face it with u.Isnt it enough?.. Wat more u expect frpom me?.. I really hope that one day, u will think over wat have u done these few days, how im feeling n if u were me, wat r u gona do?.. I hope that one day, i will hear u say or read the sms that u send, saying.. u understand how i feel n some words of comfort from u.But did u?.. U did not.. Mayb u duno, bt no matter how much a person can love the other, as long as its one sided, the person will get tired of everything.. Im lykt.. no matter how much i love u, if i dont see anything good in our relationship, i really rather give up. Spare me n urslf all the pain n suffering.Mayb im not a good gerfren, mayb wat i did is not enough for u. Or mayb, wat u wan, i cant do it well. If its so, tell me. Dont let me put in effort, ren n ren, think of ways to make things better, think of how to be a good gerfren, n end up like a stupid idiot fucking fool. If you are just looking for someone to call " gerfren', or to have someone waiting for u when u go in ns, then sorry,i think im not the one. Bcos im looking for a guy who really can give me happiness, who can make me feel that im everything in the world to him.Who understands n cherish me.Someone whom i can trust being with him.
I feel lyk a pathetic idiot who gota vent my anger on my blog.And act as though oh, im fine, im really fine... Wat the hell am i doing?.. Where's all my pride n dignity?... All becos i dunwan u to get more upset or frustrated over small things.All becos i noe u are upset n stress enough..I dunwan to add on to ur burden..Did u know that everytime im unhappy with u .. I really dunwana reply ur msgs or answer ur phone calls, but i still did n pretend nothin happen. Jus bcos i dunwan u to think that i wana quarrel or i throw my temper again.. U noe hw terrible i feel anot?..well.. anyway,messages n phone calls from u are getting lesser n lesser each day..The one big mistake i did is that i put in too much feelings in this relationship from the start..I sld have listen to my daddy. That any dog,cat or ghost words can still be trusted, but nv trust a man's words.. U are pushing me away further n further..Dont make me give u up.. A good relationship is not only about Love.. there's trust, care,concern,communication n understanding.Im losing all this abit n abit from you.. I once told u that u let me feel " hen mei you an quan gan" when we just started, and u did alot to make me feel that im secure with u..Those were my happiest moments. But now, i think everything is back to like the first time we start.. And im prepared,that this will either get better n better like last time , or i will just lose u forever.. I dont mind all the unhappiness,i dun mind me tolerating, i dun mind all the hurt..I just hope i will see something good in return at the ned.I just hope that, everything will be back to normal like the past.Haha.. i really feel so good after venting my anger.. =)..N i noe, after venting all my angers, i still have to try hard..Bcos i told myslf that, i wana make things work.. I will try till i have no more strength to try anymore.Wait Only For Someone Who's Worth Waiting For
11:34 PM
11.6.07
Wanted to seriously look for a damn job today..Bt my lazy bones just wun give way.. Guess will have to say "Tomorrow, tomorrow" again.. haha..Thought of making mango sago with samantha today.. but but but... bcos mum came back early, which means that jun wei will nt b able to taste samantha tok's mango sago, n Baby wun b able to enjoy my mango sago.. we decided to do it tml.. We dont really know hw to do it, bt simply cant forget hw good it taste wen we attented our aunt's wedding, n it was the dessert.. Taste soo good.. haha=)..Im sure baby n junwei will like it too..Made jelly for baby, n i pray this time it works..I added too much water the other time and the jelly just wun stick.. For 1 day 1 night in the fridge, its still watery-.-"..And i was so damn disappointed..Bcoa i wanted to give it to baby together with the sushi=(.. But nvm, I'll try till it sticks together..=)..Haven really been a good mood these few days.It seems that I'v lost all my directions in life.I dont even know where sld i start or head.. Decision making is terrible.And, ya.. of cos there is relationship problems.Fast huh?.. Haha, i didnt expect it too.. But i guess, I'll jus have to face it.When things happen, i look back n ask myslf " how can i let this happen?..How can i bear to hurt someone so dearly to me?And yet, ask for forgiveness when i noe, some words said can nv be taken back..Im prepared.Prepared to put in double effort to salvage everything,to piece things back like the past.Im prepared to be treated differently,coldly n no difference from a stranger by u. N i noe no matter wat i say or do, I'v hurt u so much.So much so that,baby.. Im also prepared to lose u.. Like u say, even if we can start all over again, not tok bot the past, but there are things that u can never forget.Just like wat i told u last night..Baby, i noe u r tired.Tired of giving in.Tired of thinking ways to make me happy whenever i throw my temper for no reason.Tired of doing everything, bt nothing seems right to me..I know i hurt u real deep when i said i dont think we r suitable.But i hurt alot too. I said all those only bcos i noe im nt good enough.I'v been giving u all the unhappiness when u r trying so hard to b a good boyfren.Then, can u imagine me letting u go not bcos i dont love,nt bcos i have sumone else, but bcos im gradually losing the confidence in myslf, losing the confidence of becoming a good gerfren.N i had to say i let u go bcos only this way, i wun hurt u even further.I hurt even more when u said that u r tired.. I duno when u will give up, n i keep telling myslf that as long as u dont give up, i wun either..I keep reminding myslf that i started everything, n i gota face the consequences.Even when u didnt reply my message, I dont even dare to ask u why..Even when u didnt kiss me goodnite, i dont dare to ask 4 it. How long are things gonna b this way?.. Im so afraid.So afraid that one day, i will get tired too.N that will b the end of us..Maybe u r right.U gave me too much of ur time, n i expect even more. I know that u r unhappy as well.Last night, when u were beside me, i cried myslf to slp.N i was thinking, no matter hw much i cry,no matter hw swollen my eyes are, no matter hw pain my heart is..I can never get the old u back again.. My words..My sorry, its my fault, please forgive me.Will nv have the same impact on u again.Bcos u told me, u dun wana hear all this words again..Ha, so ironic.. So much for saying too many things in the past.Now i understand, too many promises, too many plannings, too many "in future", it only means, even more pain when things goes wrong..Bcos all these "In future", will bcum more n more distant.And i'll only end up asking myslf,"will it happen?".. Will u still want me to b ur Mrs Soh? Will u still want us to have a son in future?Will we still retire in New Zealand with a farm? Will i still be the lady boss of ur shop? Will we go for a holiday?Will i still b the first person u miss n wana see so much after 2 weeks in ns?..Will u still rmb all of all these u said before?I dont know.. But im sure of one thing..I never wanted to b the ger who let u drop tears of pain.. And i'll keep trying..Ill try till we r just like last time.When my laughter n smiles r ur happiness.When u r the reason i believe,all's not over yet.Till all the "in futures" will happen.Or mayb,Till u want me to stop trying..And hubby,i truly love u.With my everything.U gave me trust in a relationship again.U made me change my concept of getting married.U made me wana b Mrs Soh.U made me willingly n gladly wait for u for 2 years with absolute confidence.U made me drop my first tear of joy with ur surprises.U made me realise that, I can find someone im comfortable with and can tok about anything under the sun.U made Sarah for who she is now.. Thank you darling.. =)
3:57 AM
If I were blue,
would you be there for me,
And whisper in my ears that's ok.
Would you stand by me,
let me hold you tight,
And say you love me one more time.
If I feel good,
would you slow dance with me,
And touch my lips with tender loving care,
Would you die for me,
would you run with me,
And never look back..
Would you be there to love,
to be with me?
Would you swear that your love is always true?
Would you say that you'll always be the one,
to take my breath away?
Would you be there to love,
to be with me?
Would you swear that your love is always true?
Would you say that you'll always be the one,
to take my breath away?
Would you be there..
If i'm away,
would you still think of me,
And wish that you could hold me now,
Would you die for me, would you run with me,
All the way..
Would you be there to love,
to be with me?
Would you swear that your love is always true?
Would you say that you'll always be the one,
to take my breath away?
Would you be there to save my soul tonight,
Would you swear that your love is always true?
Would you say that you will always be there,
To kiss my pain away...
Would you be there to love,
to be with me?
Would you swear that your love is always true?
Would you say that you'll always be the one,
to take my breath away?
Would you be there to save my soul tonight,
Would you swear that your love is always true?
Would you say that you will always be there,
To kiss my pain away...
Would you be there? For me...
3:40 AM
8.6.07
Have been staying at home these few days and rotting.. Oh weel, will seriously start looking for a day time job cuming Monday..
My younger bro slping and my sis took this photo with the caption "Say NO to snoring pls"
Went to JB a few weeks ago with baby and angel.. The jam was so bad even though it was a sunday.We took a cab in becos we were real hungry.And baby brought us to the Claypot Bak Kut Teh stall at duno wat street.Realli crowded and it was so hot..
But all this suffering was worth it.. Bcos the Food was absolutely Good!.. ANd for the first time,I finished my rice.. haha=)
Was quite cheap too.. we had like 3 big bowls of different soup, and side dishes.. add up to like S$20+?.. After that had seafood for dinner.
Baby was so funny.We flagged down a few cabs and he direct translate the "Dama Hua yuan" to the taxi driver.So he was like saying, Da ma Garden Dama garden.Obviously, none of them understand..Fortunately, we managed to flag down a chinese cab driver.. Had Sting ray(baby's fav) , Lala (my fav) ,kangkong (angel's fav) , salad You tiao,frog leg and i think sotong.. cant really remember..
The day b4 ytd went to east coast beach cycling with baby. I know he has been trying hard to bring me to places that i will enjoy.N ya.. it was quite fun=)..
After that went to beach road for dinner.. My favourite..STEAMBOAT!..haha.. The food there was quite good too.. recommended by Pipi..
But so stupid, cos after dinner.. we quarrelled in the car over tv.. haha..
N for the first time, i saw baby really threw his temper. N i guess,i'v overdone it.. Anyway, things were pretty fine after that. But my mood has been swinging these few days, n he's the one always saying sorry.Sometimes, i cant help feeling that im gonna let history repeat itslf soon..
I duno if im too sensitive or isit that, he feels we r comfortable enough with each other already.which is y Some things, There is no need to b like last time..
But i dun like the feeling .. I can say I simply hate it.
Mayb bcos i use to b his precious and his attention.But nwadays, i seem to be losing this "special " place in him.. I hope im just being sensitive and im reading too much into things..
Anyway, im glad u like the sushi i made for u darling=).. Though its nt something that needs alot of effort, but u know i dont step into the kitchen.. =p.. haha..
First few were that of my sis n i on the way attending aunt's wedding dinner..
Bear bear and Lucas dumb faces in Changi village.Bear looks exactly like a HUGE teddy bear=-.-"
23.5.07
Baby gave me a huge surprise on Monday.That idiot didnt go to work for like 3 days.Keep cumin up wid so many excuses.Haha..
ANyway, he promised to give me surprise frequently.Amd he did exactly just that on Monday.21 May.
That day was supposed to be us knowing each other better for 1 month, n us being tgt bt nt yet tgt..Complicated,confuse..haha
He didnt tell me anything.Except that he said, "I want all ur time today".And i gave him.
When he came to fetch me, i totally got no idea where he will be bringing me to,and wat he has up his sleeves.=)
Until we reached Changi.. he brought me there to see aeroplanes,bcos i once told him that i love seeing aeroplanes arrive n depart.So sweet of him to rmb everything i said.The best part was.. he told me to put sumtin in the booth.And i when i opened, i saw a bouquet of flowers there.As usual, i almost cried.
But wat he did really shocked me so much..
He took the bouquet of flowers and said " I rmb u said that i have nv officially asked u to b my gf.. Nw im officially asking you, will u b my galfren?" And with that, he kneeled down.. I was so damn touched.I r3eally nv expected him to say and do such things. Wats more, he's like a small silly boi to me.haha..
Nevertheless, im thankful baby.Really thank you.
Its been so long since i last had that feeling.The feeling of being so important to someone important to me.
The kind of feeling he gave me is like.. im living in fairytale.
Mayb bcos, he can read my mind.He knows very well wat i want.. And although we just started, he sumhow give me the feeling like we have known each other for a long time. I feel so comfortable with him.N i hope he is comfortable with me too..=)
He's one amazing guy, one that i know, i will wana hold on for as long as i can..
For 2 weeks, he has been sacrificing his precious sleep just to keep his promise, his promise of spending more time with me.And each time i see him sleeping so soundly, i feel so guilty.I know he has work to do.And im worried for him each time he doesnt have enough sleep.
Once, i went to dragonfly till 2plus, and despite having to work the next day, he came to fetch me.
With him, wat else can i ask for?..
Baby, from my heart, i wana let u noe that though i haven been able to give u alot of confidence, im tryiong hard to stand in ur position and think.Though sumtimes, i may have said things that aren't very nice, but every other nice things i said r true.
I once told u, i might take a long time to recover, a long time to really love u as much u do, u still tried hard.And im touched and thankful for all the things u did. Just like how u finished all the sushis i made even though u r not hungry=).. Just like how u plan ur time and said we will have breakfast every sunday morning despite having not enough rest.Just like how u put in the effort to make me trust u,pick me up from places far from our house despite having to wake up so damn early the next morning.
Im truly blessed for having u.U told me, the thing about us is that we both got hurt so much in our previous relationship.We both didnt trust in relationships again, and thats y.. we both noe how to cherish and appreciate the right one in front of us.I couldn't agree any further.
My baby cousin=)
7:28 AM
9.5.07
Sponge business haven been too good lately.So boring each time i went to work. Xiao gui's group have been going dw to boat quay lately, sponge is really quiet. For almost a week, everyday's sales nv exceed $200.N there goes my commission=(.. haha
Will be goin to JB with pipi , angel n sam this friday.Pipi actually plan to go clubbing at night, bt im meeting baby.. so there goes our partying.. haha
Was off on monday to spend the day with baby. Went to watch spiderman 3, though i wasn't really too keen. Haha, bt anyway, was not bad afterall. The show's duration was pretty long, bot 2hrs plus?.. After the show, went to look for lucas and bear bear in Telok blangah.
Baby promised to bring me to changi airport, but in the end, we end up in changi village-.-"..
Had a long talk with him there.He told me so many things that i never expected him to say. And every single word touched my heart.
I know i may not be able to love him wholeheartedly yet, but im sure i'll b able to soon.I feel so guilty when he told me all those things that night.So much so that my tears jus flow..
Anyway, we are going to korea together in July.Thats wat he promised me.=).. And im really looking forward to that day=)
1.5.07
We'v finally cleared the obstacle in front of us=).. At least, the biggest problem is settled. Last Monday, baby brought me to PS for movie.The show," Nightmare detective" was such a stupid show.Through out the whole movie, we were playing rather den watching.Haha.. After that went to mt Faber.Met pipi n Kenny there. Baby and i reached there and waited for them for almost 1 hr!... Why? Bcos they went to their so-called "The highest peak" and couldn't find us there. We were lyk 4 idiots playing hide and seek.. haha..In the end, kenny managed to find baby's car and eventually, found us.Was really beautiful when we reached the "highest peak". The scenery was breath taking. Pipi and i were deciding when to go malaysia again.Kenny will bring us there. =)haha.. Went to fetch Lucas after that. Was really glad that upon seeing Lucas, baby held my hand even tighter.Which i thot, we would like feel awkward and uncomfortable. But no, instead, when the 3 of us were in the car, i could tell that baby was relieved that he told Lucas the truth.Otherwise, we would still be like hidding and running away.Anyway, headed to chill lounge in Central mall.The place was so small, and quiet. Chatted for some time and headed to macdonald's for supper cum breakfast. Reached home arond 5plus in the morning.I was really happy that day.In bed,i really ponder over those times i went thru b4 recovering.I was really glad that instead of walking back, which so many times i was tempted to, i forced myslf to walk ahead. Though i told baby that i might not love him yet, but im quite sure i will soon. Though our working time cannot b compromised,bt we'r living beside each other only.Im sure we'll b able to have more time for each other.And i can see that, he is trying hard to squeeze his time for me.What ever it is, im sure things are gonna turn out well.
11:34 PM
